The Path to Flourishing after 70
- Katharine Esty
- Dec 21, 2025
- 5 min read
Accepting new limitations, grieving losses, and finding meaning in our lives
Every Friday afternoon at my retirement community, four or five residents, most of them over ninety, gather to play Hand and Foot, a game similar to Canasta. While there is friendly chatter, they focus on the cards. They have found ways to stay in the game, even as they age.
After 70, to flourish and remain engaged like our card players requires accepting and adapting to ever-changing circumstances. Dr. Robert Havighurst, an American psychologist and educator, describes this as successfully coping with the developmental tasks of aging. We all must deal with three main areas of challenge.
1. Accepting new limitations
Life after 70 inevitably brings significant health issues to contend with, and they happen more frequently as we grow older. Many of us have one or more chronic conditions like arthritis, heart disease, or diabetes, and we develop additional health issues over the years. We face losses in physical strength, energy, and balance.
We need support and assistance to help us continue functioning effectively. Consider the card players. During a game, their four walkers are parked nearby, and each of them wears a hearing aid. Ken has profound hearing loss and initially struggled to participate in the group, but adapted by using Clear Captions, an app that provides a text display of ongoing conversations.
But many of us resist getting help. When my cousin Caroline broke her pelvis at the age of 88, she needed a walker to get around. She kept saying repeatedly, “I hate this walker.” When I asked her why, she replied, “Because it means I am old.” I responded, “But, Caroline, we are old.” It took her another year to accept that she needed the walker and to appreciate the added security it provided.
Too many of us still see dependency and getting help as failure. Accepting assistance when it is needed is key to thriving as we age. But we have been conditioned to strive for independence, pushing ourselves to do things on our own, even when independence is not a realistic expectation. We are all dependent on others throughout our lives, and that is a good thing. We do better when quality of life is our primary goal rather than independence.
2. Grieving our losses
As we live into our 80s and 90s, we will inevitably lose loved ones. The death of a spouse, child, family member, or close friend is always a significant event. For some of us, expressing emotions through crying and mourning comes easily, while others of us take more time to connect to our feelings and grieve. There is no specific timetable for grief; the process can be long.
Some of us find the traditional rituals of our church or religion help us cope. Being part of a supportive family and a caring community is also beneficial. Some of us feel that we are essentially on our own. However, in spite of that feeling, I usually recommend that people talk with a minister, counselor, or friend. They can provide valuable insight and wisdom, and can be a sounding board as well.
After a major loss, our daily routines must also change. We may need to take on new roles. For instance, some of us find ourselves managing finances, handling house maintenance, or taking care of the yard, often without prior training or experience. Others may need to learn new skills like cooking and organizing social events. Like any significant change in our lives, these adaptations require time and patience.
3. Finding meaning in our lives
At every age, having a purpose or purposes gives meaning to our lives. But over time, we outgrow some purposes. By the time we are 70, for example, most of us have retired from our jobs, and our children are typically no longer living at home. We usually have time, and we need to find new purposes appropriate for us at this new stage of life.
Marge and Charles, two of the card players, are good examples of evolving purposes. Marge was a chemistry professor and mother in her earlier years. Now in retirement, she creates silver jewelry and paints beautiful watercolors. One of her paintings hangs in my living room. Charles, who is 100, gave a lecture at our community last year about his trip to Antarctica and is planning another lecture on Newfoundland.
Other examples. Joel began his post-retirement years serving on several boards that focused on promoting peace in the Middle East and improving education. Now, he serves on multiple committees at his retirement community. Many women have told me that their present purpose revolves around caring for friends and family. My own purpose has evolved as well; when I left my psychotherapy practice, writing became my central focus.
Another way to find meaning as we age is by focusing on the legacy we will leave behind. As the horizon of our lives grows shorter, we start asking the Big Questions about the meaning of our lives. What have we learned? What would we like our children and grandchildren to know about us? We want to pass on our values and life lessons. We want to be understood and known. We want to leave our mark.
Some people, like me, choose to write a memoir for families and friends as a way to share who we are and have been. I did this when I was 76. Others create their legacy by making financial donations to causes that align with the world they want for the future and for their grandchildren. Some of us plant trees knowing that they will never bear fruit in our lifetime.
Recently, at the age of 91, I revisited that memoir I wrote when I was 76. Back then, the idea of my book, EightySomethings, was not even a dream. I had not yet discovered my late-life purpose of sharing the good news about aging today. I see that book and my blogs of the last four years as a new addition to my legacy.
Many younger people don’t yet realize that older people continue to learn, develop, change, and grow wiser over the years of their long lives. More of us elders now understand that the path to flourishing in the game of life, we must constantly adapt and redefine our purposes amidst our losses and limitations.
Age is an opportunity no less than youth itself — H.W. Longfellow.
I'm 80, soon to be 81, Katharine, and I fully agree with the idea of having a purpose, a reason to keep on living. For me, too, it is writing. Well, that is one of my reasons. Another is helping my wife, who has mobility issues. A third reason is to provide fellowship with several groups of men whom I meet with weekly. We need each other. I value their presence in my life and they value mine (at least I like to think so :-) )