Feeling Good
- Katharine Esty
- 10 minutes ago
- 4 min read
How Awareness of Our Inner State of Mind Can Open the Door to Change
I was checking out at the grocery store last week when I heard the rain, a torrential downpour. It had been sunny when I entered the store, so I had no raincoat, no umbrella, no hat. I realized it might be hours before the rain stopped. I decided to go out and enjoy getting wet. Why not? It would be fun. I walked slowly out of the store and let the pounding rain drench me. It felt good, invigorating; I would even say delicious. For a few minutes, I shed my 92 years. I felt like a joyful child.
That experience of feeling good and childlike reminded me of a simple but powerful psychological framework that I learned back in the late 1960’s. It came from a best-selling book, I’m Ok, You’re Ok by Thomas Harris, who described three states of mind — Child, Parent, and Adult — and how they affect our interactions with others. Though a bestseller for decades, it is largely overlooked today with our focus on medications and understanding the brain. In this piece, I will share a few highlights of the model. I think you will find it useful for self-management and deepening your understanding of what works when interacting with others.
Child state of mind
When we are in a Child state of mind, we can be spontaneous and playful, living in the present moment, as I was that day walking in the rain. When we are in this mindset, we know we are feeling good just the way we are. Each state of mind has several variations with quite different patterns of behavior. In my first example, I was in the Joyful Child state. However, there is another variation of the Child state, the Angry Child.
Example
My computer crashed last week. Tension in my arms and stomach exploded. WHAT? No!! #^&*!!! Damn, no! And then, Panic. I called my assistant, Ami, and I couldn’t reach her. But I want help NOW! NOW! This is awful. I am miserable, not Ok! But then it all changed; I saw how I was behaving. I said to myself, “Katharine, you are having a temper tantrum like a four-year-old child. You should get a hold of yourself.”
The instant I said that to myself, however, I was no longer in an Angry Child state of mind. I had flipped into a Parent ego state, specifically a Critical Parent state of mind.
Parent state of mind
When we were young, we all heard countless messages about how we should behave: “Don’t touch that,” “You should do this,” “Be careful,” and “No.” We internalized many of these messages, often along with the authoritative tone that accompanied them. Later in life, when we find ourselves in a Parent state, regardless of our age, we may sound like a bossy, scolding father or mother, telling others what they should do. These “should” messages from our childhood can continue to influence our interactions with others. Importantly, the recipients of these “should” messages usually do not feel good; they do not feel ok.
Example
Janice, who is 80, has two daughters who visit her often. Janice told me she is upset with some of the ways her daughters relate to her recently. She explained that they insist on grabbing her arm whenever they walk across a street. They frequently tell her, “You should not be doing so much.” They redo things Janice has just done, like setting the table. She told me, “I know how to get across a street and set the table.”
Janice’s daughters are relating to their own mom like they are the parents, and they are in the Critical Parent state. They are trying, unsuccessfully, to parent their aging mom. Their intent is caring, but their stream of critical comments has just the opposite effect. Critical Parents usually leave others feeling not so good about themselves, not ok.
Nurturing Parent
Often, when we are in a Parent state of mind, we nurture and care for others. Even when our children are grown adults, they may still need some parental support from time to time. These moments can bring us real joy. As elders ourselves, we also have the opportunity to mentor and nurture grandchildren, friends, and others. For example, I recently started tutoring a woman from Guatemala who wants to improve her English and pronunciation. This is one of the highlights of my present life.
Adult state of mind
When we are in an Adult state of mind, we are reasonable. We are aware of our behavior and its impact on others. Luckily, when I was still a hot mess during the computer breakdown I described above, I couldn’t reach my assistant Ami. However, when I reached her hours later, I was calm and more collected, in an Adult state of mind. She listened to my tale of woe and empathized with how upset I was. She was also in an Adult state of mind and didn’t tell me I should be different. Instead, she helped me cope.
When we are in the Adult state, we are collaborative, looking for solutions to conflicts, and trying to validate others. We feel capable, and we treat others as if they are competent, too. We often feel, “I’m Ok, and You’re Ok.”
Takeaways for Feeling Good
A good way to become more mindful is to make it a habit to ask yourself from time to time, “What’s my current state of mind? Child? Parent? Adult? And is this the state I want to be in right now?
You’ll feel good more often if you spend more time in a Joyful Child state of mind.
Spending less time in a Critical Parent state of mind is a good way to feel better. Start by listening for shouldcomments in your own conversations. I have tried for years to eliminate them; it takes work.
Read the book I’m Ok — You’re Ok to learn more about this simple and effective tool.
It’s all about choice. We can choose to move from a state of mind that’s not feeling good to another.
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