Overcoming Two Key Roadblocks
There is much good news about aging today. Most people in their 70s and 80s are happier than people in their 50s and 60s. However, some of us are still missing out.
I have observed two attitudes that prevent many of us over 70 from fully enjoying our older lives. First, we fret about growing older. We resist it and feel in our bones that old age will not be a happy time. Second, we believe that accepting help should be avoided at all costs. These two beliefs create roadblocks that make it challenging for many of us to fully enjoy our lives.
But first, let’s quickly review some of the good news about aging before we tackle the roadblocks.
The Good News
People are living longer than ever before. When I was born, the average life expectancy was 65. Now, it has increased to 78, which gives us an additional thirteen years. Our expectancy rises as we age. For example, a 90-year-old woman in the US (like me), can expect to live an additional 4.9 years. This always surprises me.
Recent research indicates that people in their 70s and 80s, compared to people in their 50s and 60s, on average, have more emotional intelligence, greater calmness, increased wisdom, better mental health, and make better decisions.
Studies on the aging brain have shown that we can continue to learn throughout our lives. Even more importantly, our brains can heal themselves through neuroplasticity. Many of us remain creative and productive until the very end of our lives.
Modern medicine has significantly improved our lives, especially as we age. We now have options for replacing all sorts of body parts, such as hips, knees, and shoulders. Additionally, hearing aids and cataract surgery improve the quality of our daily life. Most of us can lead active and relatively pain-free lives.
As we age, most of us are given the gift of time. We have choices about how to spend our days. We can connect with family and spend time with friends. We volunteer at hospitals and community centers. Many of us take up and explore new pastimes, such as bird-watching, photography, genealogy, painting, woodworking, dancing, trekking, or learning a new language.
Now, let’s explore how to unlock our happiness and bypass the roadblocks that impede us.
“I am not old!”
Kintsugi provided me with a fresh perspective on ‘what is old’. This Japanese art involves repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with gold powder. A bowl mended with golden lacquer is often considered even more beautiful than before it was shattered. This outlook offers us a mindset that make it easier to accept our changing bodies. It also highlights the miracle of having having survived so many challenges.
As we enter our 70s, it’s inevitable that we won’t look or function like we did in our twenties. For some of us, every new limitation or wrinkle feels like a loss that we must lament. These developments become obstacles to our happiness.
Take Helene, for example. A year ago, her doctor told her that she needed to use a walker. She hated her walker and looked forward to the day she could finally get rid of it. When it became clear that was unlikely to happen, she felt miserable and depressed. Helene couldn’t believe she could have a good life and be using a walker.
The turning point came when Helene recognized that her distress was not about the walker itself, but rather her belief that using one made her old. After several months, she began to appreciate the safety and stability the walker provided. She could take longer walks and enjoyed having a seat readily available. Ultimately, she accepted her walker and her depression lifted.
“I can do it by myself”
Many of us struggle to accept help as we age, even when we truly need it. From a young age, we were taught that independence is valuable and that seeking assistance is a sign of weakness and dependency. Now, at 75, 85, or even 90 years old, it’s challenging to change these long-held beliefs. We often feel virtuous when we accomplish things on our own and guilty when we ask for help. As a result, we refuse assistance, even when we really need it.
For years, my friend Maggie took three hours each morning to get dressed because of her arthritis and gnarled hands. She refused to get any help. She could not see that it was common sense for her to accept some assistance. However, I began to understand Maggie’s intransigence when I broke my foot recently. It was impossible for me during the first weeks with my injury to take a shower by myself. I repeatedly rejected help and went ten days without a shower. Finally, my desire for a shower outweighed my pride. I called for assistance. This experience was an important lesson for me personally about aging well. We’re all still learning.
Our expectations and beliefs play a significant role in how we age. We must understand that there is nothing bad, evil, or weak about seeking help. I have spent years helping others, and so have you. Now, in the natural course of life, it is our turn to receive. We are older; some of us even admit to being old. It is time for us to focus on becoming gracious receivers, as well as helping others, which we can continue to do.
I will conclude with a favorite quote about aging well. I refer to it often because it reminds me of what I need to do to find happiness for myself.
“Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.” ~ Mindy Hale, author.
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