Four tools to stay grounded, hopeful, and functional
This has been a challenging year for everyone. It has been disheartening, frightening and exhausting. For those of us who are in the older generation we are particularly anxious about the world we are leaving to our children and grandchildren. The rapid pace of climate change and the increasing number of extreme weather events are terrifying. We feel profound sadness by the suffering in Ukraine and the Middle East. And we are scared about what is happening right here in the USA. In short, we feel overwhelmed.
I want to be resilient, engaged, optimistic, and active, but it’s difficult not to close my eyes. I’ve been watching less news lately. Many of us, myself included, are teetering on the edge of what I’ve come to call dispairalyzed. I read this newly coined term in a letter to the New York Times, and it perfectly captures what many of us are experiencing right now. I am determined not to let myself become dispairalyzed.
In addition to the uncertainty in the world, we must also deal with our personal challenges. Recently, I’ve faced several setbacks. I contracted COVID-19 again, and this time, I was sicker than before. Then, I had a fall in my apartment, hitting my forehead on a side table. After a visit to the emergency room, tests confirmed that I didn’t have a concussion, but I did need stitches on my head. My balance was somewhat off and I developed two huge black eyes.
About ten days later, I was the keynote speaker at the Lowell Community Foundation’s annual gathering. My topic for the evening was “Aging Well.” As I shuffled up to the platform and looked out at the assembled crowd with my still-black eyes, I couldn’t help but find the situation both hilarious and ironic. Aging well? Really?
The paradox of aging
Upon reflection, I realized that my slightly off-kilter gait and two black eyes made me the perfect spokesperson for discussing aging well. Aging well does not mean having no setbacks, no loss of mobility, or no medical conditions. Our happiness depends on our attitude and how we handle the inevitable challenges we encounter. Despite the various losses that older individuals experience, research has shown that we tend to become happier and happier as we move through our 60s, 70s and 80s. This counterintuitive phenomenon is often referred to as the paradox of aging.
However, it isn’t all sunshine and cheer. When we are churning and unsettled, we need to attend to our inner life before leaping into action. You might ask, “But how do we do that?”
Here are four strategies I use to calm my inner turbulence during uncertain times. I hope they are helpful to you.
Remembering My Team
When I feel anxious and overwhelmed, I remind myself of the people who have been my most important mentors, role models, and teachers. I imagine them sitting around a table. And then I take a few minutes to reflect on what I learned from each of them. They cared about me, saw me, listened to me, believed in me, and showed me new ways of being. Taking the time to remember my team in detail energizes me and helps me recall insights I have forgotten. It replenishes my wellsprings.
Connecting with others
When I am struggling and down in the dumps I usually don’t feel like socializing, even though I realize that being around people will be beneficial. I find it particularly helpful to spend time with someone calm and grounded. Being with them is both soothing and energizing. As a psychologist, I want us all to understand that emotions are “contagious” and the company we keep will be a major influence how we feel. Of course, it can work in both directions.
I also believe it is important to make time for the groups and organizations I belong to. For me, this includes my retired therapists’ group, my church, and a group of nine old friends who have been meeting for 30 years. Being with them helps me regain a sense of well-being and hope. For those of you who feel quite unconnected, it’s never too late to reconnect with old groups and find new ones that meet us where we are today.
Choosing a positive attitude
When we feel upset, we often tell ourselves, “I am helpless to change anything,” “I am too old to change,” or “There’s really nothing I can do.” I don’t agree with these statements. There is always something we can do: we can choose, again and again, a positive attitude about aging and about our lives in general. When I’m stressed, I need to remind myself, “Just for this hour, I will have a positive attitude.” This usually works.
If this approach feels very foreign to you, consider trying it as an experiment and see what happens. I have written about this in more detail previously if you find this topic of interest.
Meditating
For many years, I tried to learn how to meditate, but I always gave up after a short time. Then, I heard about Jon Kabat-Zinn’s course called Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). What impressed me was the research that showed the impact of the MBSR course on the thousands of people who had completed it. Participants reported decreased stress levels, less anxiety and depression, increased feelings of well-being, strengthened immune systems, and improved relationships. It sounded too good to be true, but I decided to sign up for the course, determined to finally learn how to meditate and hopefully experience some of these benefits.
The course met once a week for eight weeks in person and now it is available on Zoom. The homework was demanding. I stuck with it and the payoff for me has been life-changing. I became less anxious. My blood pressure numbers went down permanently. It is my trusted way to deal with despair, depression, and upsetting events. And, now, fifteen years after I took the course, meditation still works to keep me steady and grounded. I’ve also used the meditation app Headspace for several years and find it to be a user-friendly alternative to the course.
As we regain our footing, it's time to turn back to what needs doing in the world, one step at a time.
I’ll conclude with a quote from Howard Zinn, an American historian and philosopher who died in 2010. “The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.”
Love this, thanks so much, I'm a 77 year old JinShin Jyutsu practitioner a form of acupressure, and enjoy keeping involved, active, getting out in nature, feeding the feral cat and the birds and taking naps with a good book
Love this, thanks so much, I'm a 77 year old JinShin Jyutsu practitioner a form of acupressure, and enjoy keeping involved, active and taking naps with a good book